Well I guess being just friends doesn't work for us...one night of hanging out and that was all it took...marty broke up with sarah the next day...he will still be there for their kid if she allows him to but it will be me by his side...
the world is full of surprises and this was just another one...i know marty and i love eachother and that is all that matters. <3

Things are looking a lil brighter...

Well...Marty and I are on really good talking terms. I've spent almost all my free time the last two days at his shop just bullshitting with him about anything and everything. I love him to death. I know him and I know what he is going to end up doing, but he needs to do it for him. One thing I keep telling him is that I am his friend first and foremost. I would love him to end up with me in the end, but truth is Marty has to make that decision for himself and honestly needs some time to find himself. I know who he is and what he will become...he just isn't ready to be that person yet. And i'm okay with that...even if he was single, I wouldn't be jumping back into anything with him. He needs time. I know what I want out of a relationship with him because i know exactly who I am. Marty knows who he is just not where he wants to go when he is that person. I think he thinks growing up and relationships mean no fun...where I see relationships as a bonus and you have more fun. He is my best friend. I will stand by him through every decision he makes whether I like it or not just as I would any of my friends.

Can't ever be simple...

God I love him...it screws me over everytime...he still has feelings for me...wants things to be different...what in the world am i suppose to do or think....i want to say everything is going to be okay but i can't even guarantee that until he deals with what he needs to...he ruined my evening being indecisive...i wont let it happen again...

Well this is a twist...

So just to make my day just so much more confusing...my horoscope said i was going to meet the love of my life and to keep my eyes open...well Marty texted me today to come pick up a letter that came to our old place. (really makes even you think too cause i certainly didn't meet anyone at work) And we talked...like friends. It hurts a little afterwards but that 40 minutes I was there just bullshitting with him about everything from cars to even his new baby on the way was the happiest I was all day. We didn't talk about us or anything really important but other than the fact a part of me loves him, it was like having my best friend back for a little bit. I wouldn't of traded it for anything in the world. I'm not saying things are perfect but atleast we are civil. And i'm not saying we are gonna talk all the time cause personally I don't even think I could handle it...but it's nice to know we can still bullshit about anything on our minds...we are gonna listen and respect eachother no matter what we say. We care which I guess most people dont understand...but I do and that is what matters.

So on to me...I mixed paint today for a woman who use to work at a doctor's office. She was talking about how she had been sick and it was allergies. Well I went on to tell her about how I got sick a couple weeks ago and then went on to talk about my chest pains. She right away told me my chest pains and the way I described them are a panic attack. She asked when they started and how long they have been going on and I told her that I didn't understand how because when they began I wasn't under any type of stress. She said that stress can mentally build up on us without us even feeling emotionally different. She said her husband has them. So that is one thing I need to talk to my doctor about this next week probably. Not much I can do though from what the lady said. She said that I needed to either start exercising or stop exercising which I was exercising a few months back and they were really bad so now that i'm not exercising i'm afraid to start. I'm unsure of what to do. Doctor will probably have more answers.

I always knew I was in a rush to grow up. My experiences from the time I was 15 really pushed me into that direction. I won't say I'm a muture adult yet because i still like my fun but I will say that I'm closer than most people. I don't like getting taken care of. I like doing things on my own and taking care of others. Probably why i'm such a good girlfriend lol wife material type thing. who knows. I got into a yelling match with my dad when I got home from work and I realized that I have grown up. I don't believe everything my parents do and I wont believe a lot of the things they say. We are different people and they shouldn't expect me to feel the same about everything. In the process of raising a boyfriend and two dogs over the last 3 years, I am grown up. I've learned what people are like and what to expect from them (well not expect is probably a better phrase). I've learned people let you down all the time...it's a part of life. You keep moving. If you're a big enough person, you forgive but you never forget.

I'm 22. I don't pretend to know what the future hold for me, but I do know this...my past or present isn't going to stop my future. I'm so close to finishing school (graduating in December! yay!) and i'm a great girl who some guy someday is going to love and want to give me the world on a silver platter. I'm not stupid. I know what I had with Marty will never be again but I also know that the one that lasts forever feels like none of the others. That is why when I find that guy i'm suppose to be with, it will be bigger and better than ever. I'm ready for a career, a house, a husband, and a family. And just you watch over the next few years...i'm gonna achieve it :)

Life Changes

Well what can I say, since my last post my world got turned upside down. I guess I can be honest here because really no one reads this so I guess I can say what's really on my mind.

Marty will always be my world. He's destroyed the good in me it seems like. When I was writing about us having a hard time, it wasn't all in my head like Marty and everyone said. He was sleeping with someone else...not some gorgeous model or some super nice, sweet girl. He was sleeping with a fat whore (excuse my language). Sarah was my friend...or so I thought. Marty got her pregnant though I'm about 100% certain she planned it to take Marty...antibiotics, switching birth controls...too many stories about how she got pregnant all coming from her so looks like she is caught in her own lie.

People want me to feel bad for him and her, but the only one I care about is Marty. Whether he wanted to be with me or not, it doesn't change the fact that he deserves so much more than he is settling for. I gave him dreams of a future he wanted and I wanted to help him achieve. He wanted his ASE and I did everything in my power to get that for him but now Sarah has ahold of him and he doesn't want that anymore. He has no desire to better himself for his now baby that is on the way. He deserved better just as I do.

I know I shouldn't care about him after everything he has put me through but problem is, I still love him with every fiber of my being. I want more than anything to see him really smile again...not the fake happy I saw last week at the bar or the fake happy his parents tell me about. He messed up and now he has to deal with that but that doesn't mean he has to be miserable for the rest of his life. I want him to be a good man and be there for his baby, but Sarah is not the girl of his dreams and honestly I don't think I am either.

Marty wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. We told each other basically everything until the end. I know his wants, dreams, fears, i know him. I know the him that he hides to his friends and his family. I know the real him. The person he showed me he was in the last 3 years is the man he needs to be. He knows i'm right cause he told me last week. He's better than the person he is being and the person all his "friends" are letting him become. I've known Marty for 8 years, met him before I even started high school. I believe we are meant to be a part of each other's lives. Maybe not as a couple but certainly as friends. God doesn't make mistakes when he constantly throws two people together. I believe there is more for me and Marty not as a couple but as friends. That is what we both deserve out of what happened between us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well on to another part of my life. I'm not happy to be in Orlando again. Everyone is fake. They act like they like you until someone who doesn't like you comes along. I'm running short on the real people in my life. Most days I just stay at home cause I don't want to deal with who is going to run and talk bad about me behind my back. I can't talk to anyone...my family doesn't want to hear what I am going through and the one true friend I had doesn't bother talking to me anymore. I know it's a two way street but she came down to visit another friend that lived 5 minutes away from me and didn't even bother stopping by to say hi. I think that hurt more than anything.

Just to make my life even better, I'm sick. I've been having chest pains on and off for 5 months now. So no it's not the stress of Marty and I spliting, it happened before any of that. My blood work was normal so they have no idea. Apparently it will pass so whatever, just waiting for that day...

On a happy note, my job is going well. I've been working in the paint department and love the people I work with. School is awesome. All A(s) once again. At this rate, i'll be graduating in December!!! I'm excited. I can finally get the job I truely want and work full time again...I need that more than ever!

I guess that is the update on my life and what is on my mind. Kinda sucks as of late but i'm surviving...barely but surviving.