Life Changes

Well what can I say, since my last post my world got turned upside down. I guess I can be honest here because really no one reads this so I guess I can say what's really on my mind.

Marty will always be my world. He's destroyed the good in me it seems like. When I was writing about us having a hard time, it wasn't all in my head like Marty and everyone said. He was sleeping with someone else...not some gorgeous model or some super nice, sweet girl. He was sleeping with a fat whore (excuse my language). Sarah was my friend...or so I thought. Marty got her pregnant though I'm about 100% certain she planned it to take Marty...antibiotics, switching birth controls...too many stories about how she got pregnant all coming from her so looks like she is caught in her own lie.

People want me to feel bad for him and her, but the only one I care about is Marty. Whether he wanted to be with me or not, it doesn't change the fact that he deserves so much more than he is settling for. I gave him dreams of a future he wanted and I wanted to help him achieve. He wanted his ASE and I did everything in my power to get that for him but now Sarah has ahold of him and he doesn't want that anymore. He has no desire to better himself for his now baby that is on the way. He deserved better just as I do.

I know I shouldn't care about him after everything he has put me through but problem is, I still love him with every fiber of my being. I want more than anything to see him really smile again...not the fake happy I saw last week at the bar or the fake happy his parents tell me about. He messed up and now he has to deal with that but that doesn't mean he has to be miserable for the rest of his life. I want him to be a good man and be there for his baby, but Sarah is not the girl of his dreams and honestly I don't think I am either.

Marty wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. We told each other basically everything until the end. I know his wants, dreams, fears, i know him. I know the him that he hides to his friends and his family. I know the real him. The person he showed me he was in the last 3 years is the man he needs to be. He knows i'm right cause he told me last week. He's better than the person he is being and the person all his "friends" are letting him become. I've known Marty for 8 years, met him before I even started high school. I believe we are meant to be a part of each other's lives. Maybe not as a couple but certainly as friends. God doesn't make mistakes when he constantly throws two people together. I believe there is more for me and Marty not as a couple but as friends. That is what we both deserve out of what happened between us.
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Well on to another part of my life. I'm not happy to be in Orlando again. Everyone is fake. They act like they like you until someone who doesn't like you comes along. I'm running short on the real people in my life. Most days I just stay at home cause I don't want to deal with who is going to run and talk bad about me behind my back. I can't talk to anyone...my family doesn't want to hear what I am going through and the one true friend I had doesn't bother talking to me anymore. I know it's a two way street but she came down to visit another friend that lived 5 minutes away from me and didn't even bother stopping by to say hi. I think that hurt more than anything.

Just to make my life even better, I'm sick. I've been having chest pains on and off for 5 months now. So no it's not the stress of Marty and I spliting, it happened before any of that. My blood work was normal so they have no idea. Apparently it will pass so whatever, just waiting for that day...

On a happy note, my job is going well. I've been working in the paint department and love the people I work with. School is awesome. All A(s) once again. At this rate, i'll be graduating in December!!! I'm excited. I can finally get the job I truely want and work full time again...I need that more than ever!

I guess that is the update on my life and what is on my mind. Kinda sucks as of late but i'm surviving...barely but surviving.